FRANKIE GAVIN GENETICALLY ENGINEERS 'PERFECT ACCORDIONIST' FOR DE DANANN

In a move that is sure to have ramifications for the world of reed instruments, fiddle player extroardinare Frankie Gavin has said he has genetically engineered the 'perfect accordionist' for his De Danann group.

In a bid to successfully reignite his group's fortunes, Frankie said he had to take desperate measures and so ditched his current accordionist and decided to take it upon himself to play God and create the perfect being.

"I've had to think long and hard about this but it seems to be the only way forward. I've played with lots of accordion players in my time but none have been able to put up with my leadership skills. This way, I'll be able to craft the perfect player who is also completely subservient too!"

This is the next in a long line of De Danann accordionists. Frankie says that this has been at the back of his mind for some time, even when he first started De Danann in the 1970s, so to prepare for this eventuality he took DNA samples from every accordion player who joined the group.

"It was only natural that I do it. Even when I was a young man I knew the day may come where I had to create an accordionist myself. But in the 1970s, the technology did not exist. I had to wait all this time but I know it's going to be worth it!"

Frankie says this is by far and away the best accordionist he has played with. They have Jackie Dalys sliabh luachra swing, Martín O'Connor's quick fingers, Aidan Coffey's solid rhythm, Derek Hickey's phrasing, Damien Mullane's virtuosity and Barry Brady's timing. Frankie said as an added bonus they also have Joe Burke's beard. When asked about the sex of the player Frankie simply added:

"They will be A-sexual...The A stands for 'Accordion'. I shall call it...Frankie-enstein."

The 'perfect accordionist' will makes his/her/its debut in a couple of weeks. When asked about these developments, the Old De Danann refused to comment. The Continuity De Danann said 'this is a crime against humanity'. The Provisional De Danann said 'Frankie is playing God'. The Real De Danann said 'God is playing Frankie'.