NORTH'S CULTURE MINISTER CLAIMS TRADITIONAL MUSIC INVENTED BY SATAN ONLY 40 YEARS AGO

By Caoimhín Mires

Following Peter Robinson's controversial remarks on Muslims, the North’s Minister for Culture Pastor Ezekiel Drain has sparked further controversy over the last few days by claiming that traditional music was invented by Satan himself only forty years ago.

The Minister made the claim while attending the opening of an alcohol-free off-licence in Northern Ireland’s vibrant cultural capital, Ballymena. When asked about plans to propose the town as the venue for an All-Ireland Fleadh he was dismissive of the notion.

“Nothing was heard of this so-called ‘traditional music’ until about forty years ago, around the same time we started hearing about Islam, immigrants and gay people on the TV. I’m inclined to think that Our Lord was caught snoozing at that time and that the other fella got a few up on him. No, I don’t think the good people of Ballymena are interested in this new-fangled fiddley-dee and everything that goes along with it.”

When challenged with the ancient history of instruments such as the Irish harp, the Minister said, “sure the Lord only made the world eight hundred years ago - such things are made to appear older in order to test our faith and this is particularly true of them sweaty bagpipes they play. They would test anybody’s faith”.

The Pastor is however, a musician himself playing both the organ and the piano accordion on which he performs hymns for faith rallies and church services, “It goes to show that the piano accordion can be used for good, not just evil and licentiousness. In the right hands it is a gift from God,” he said.

A Vatican spokesperson responded angrily to the statements saying that to suggest that God had created the piano accordion was both sacrilegious and deeply offensive to other monotheistic faiths.