"I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE": ONE WOMAN'S CROSS WITH A SINGING SESSION

August 1, 2014

A woman in her late thirties is recovering at home today after barely escaping with her life from one of Irish music's most dreaded social events: a singing session.

 

French national Louise La Foustaise spoke to 'The Drone News' about her near-aural-death experience which happened in a small pub in County Cork last weekend.  She described how she unwittingly entered the pub thinking that she would find music there:

 

"Well I'm over from France backpacking around Ireland and I heard Cork is good for music so I stopped off in the first village I came to. Luckily they had a music festival on so I decided to enter one of the pubs and have a glass of Guinness and listen to some music. How wrong I was."

 

Singing sessions are often known for their abundance 'journey-men' singers who regularly take over such events singing bad songs in an even worse style while trying to outdo each other with actual singers often being left by the wayside. The beings who attend this event are also known for their strict demeanor, death stares and propensity for 'shush-ing'.

 

Upon entering the pub, Louise found herself amidst a swarm of sweaty, red-faced old men and scrawny middle-aged women wearing headbands, all maintaining a strict perimeter along the walls of the pub with the terrifyingly empty 'No-Singers-Land' on the main floor. Upon approaching the bar she immediately knew something was wrong however it was too late as one punter exploded into song.

 

"This white-haired man beside me suddenly started groaning. I thought he was performing some kind of sex-act but he was actually trying to sing. Then I looked around and everyone had their heads down in a strange ritualistic fashion. I didn't know what to do! The bartender was doing the same so I couldn't even get a drink!"

 

This first song lasted 10 minutes after which the singer received a rapturous round of applause. Louise said the song had a strange, paralytic effect on her as she could not move for fear of reprisal from the crowd. This was irrelevent however because as soon as the first song ended another wailer began the next one.

 

"It was just one after the other, non-stop. And they kept getting longer. 10, 12, 15, 20 verses! There was no time for a breath between songs, I started feeling light-headed. I couldn't even adjust my seat for fear of it making a creaking or dragging noise during the songs! I thought I was going to die!"

 

After the tenth song depicting an Irishman in the Napoleonic Wars, Louise decided to make a move as she 'sensed that they knew she was French'. During the applause after one of the songs she says she stumbled across the 'No-Singers-Land', enduring a heavy fire death stares from the crowd and collapsed out the door.

 

She is now recovering at home in France having suffered an extreme bout of boredom, frustration, dehydration and aural 'zoning-out' during the singing session: "I've been playing music non-stop since I got home to combat the effects of the session. The French Government has already banned singing sessions and those headbands the women wear."

 

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