CCE CHIEF STILL CLAIMING WAGES FROM CHILDHOOD JOB DESPITE ABSENCE OF 100 YEARS

It has been revealed that Senator and head of CCE, Chairman Lau, is still claiming the wages from his childhood job working as a paper-delivery boy despite being absent from his post for the last 100 years.

This news comes on the back of an ‘Irish Independent’ article highlighting the fact that Chairman Lau has the worst Seanad(Senate) attendance record of all the Senators in Ireland. This however has not stopped him from claiming the annual Senator’s salary of €65,000 on top of his CCE pay-cheque.

The paper-round job, which Chairman Lau occupied in his home of Tipperary in 1912 from the ages of 12 to 14, paid a total of a Shilling-per-week. Experts cannot be sure what the equivalent in today’s money is but we think it translates roughly as €10,000 per week after Chairman Lau signed a ‘Golden-Handcuff’ deal with the local newsagents.

Lau’s Newsagents: “We completely regret giving Lau the job. He was possibly the worst paperboy we ever had. As soon as he got the job he made himself the head of the newsagents for life and changed our constitution so neither we nor the other paperboys could vote him out!”

The 125 year old Chairman Lau receives a wire transfer every week from the newsagents even though he has not turned up to his job for 130 years. When asked about his wage from CCE he refused to reveal his earnings but it is thought to run into the Trillions which he only accepts in Gold Bullion carried on the back of an elderly Ard-Comhairle member.

Chairman Lau: “It’s hard to attend every single job that one holds especially when a particular one pays so very, very, very well...very. It can be hard though. I could start at 7 in the morning and not finish until midnight.”

“You know, the chauffeur drives me at 7am to the music festival, the fancy meal is on in the evening, paid for by the organisation of course, and then the drinking could go on until late. That’s why I get home so after midnight! It’s difficult then to sit in the Senate and talk shite or sit on a bike throwing around newspapers.”

Chairman Lau, who turns 180 next year, refused to be drawn on whether he will return to his paper-boy job for a number of days during the year saying that it would be difficult to fit into his old pantaloons, flat cap and tattered jacket again.