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DOCTORATE OF MUSIC HOLDER BELIEVES THEY ARE AN ACTUAL DOCTOR

November 28, 2014

A local musician who recently achieved a Doctorate of Music genuinely believes they are an actual doctor and has started practising medicine as a result.

 

The musician has spent the last 4 years working towards the Doctorate, performing research on a number of areas in music but has not realised that the qualification does not enable him to perform open heart surgery on anxious fellow musicians.

 

There have been reports of the man attempting to persuade other session goers that they require urgent medical attention and that he will gladly offer them medical advice 'for the price of a pint'.

 

"He was offering to remove my appendix but I got suspicious when he mentioned using a plectrum as a scalpel and rosin as a local anesthetic. Jesus, if his scalpel hand was anything like his rhythm it'd be shaky at best."

 

Other musicians have become wary of the man after hearing reports of him roaming the halls of the local hospital and diagnosing patients with conditions such as Small-Polkas and Ceilí Bandulism and administering a high-dosage of jigs and reels, causing an alert amongst the medical community.

 

However a spokesperson for 'Music Doctorates Without Borders' has come out in defence of the man, saying that: "Music Doctorate holders are very special people with very special abilities. Who else would you go to for the most valid opinion on Irish music? Apart from an actual musician of course..."

 

Local authorities have warned the public to approach these people with extreme pretention.

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