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CULT-ASS REVEAL IMAGES OF HUMAN-INSTRUMENT HYBRIDS
March 18, 2015
Irish music overlords Cult-Ass have revealed the first images of the results of their recent top-secret experiments: human-instrument hybrids.
Images show human-accordion/concertina/tin whistle/keyboard hybrids taking part in yesterday's St. Patrick's Day celebrations. These horrible creations are a result of the splicing of human DNA and the reeds of a concertina and accordion, the plug of a keyboard and the fipple of a tin whistle.
Cult-Ass scientists working on the hybrids in a state of the art lab in Monkstown described them as the next stage in traditional Irish music evolution and will change the music forever.
"This is a huge leap forward for us. No longer will people be constrained by the awkward mechanics of playing instruments. Now they'll be able to live the instrument, become part of it and part of the music."
"Chairman Lau put the challenge to us and we succeeded! Right now we only have four instruments but there is much more to come! Just wait for the Fleadh competitions this year, it'll be like nothing you've ever seen before!"
Irish musicians have decried the creation of the monstrosities and called them inhuman, saying that the musicians of the past never envisaged the music like this and that they would be spinning in their grave at the sight.
They went on to say that the hybrids would surely spell the end of sessions and gigs for normal musicians as publicans would simply buy hybrids and chain them to the bar however Cult-Ass responded by saying this is happening with non-hybrid musicians already.
Local Musician: "This is just typical of Cult-Ass and Chairman Lau's quest for world domination. He's clearly trying to build an army of these fuckers. Next thing you know you'll have a cross between real human beings and Ard-Comhairle members."
Scientists say the hybrids survive on a special nutritious paste made of Guinness, pulped pages from Chief O'Neills 1001 Tunes and Supermacs and can live up to a maximum of two years however they hope to extend this with future clones.
"We're looking forward to seeing a 20 year lifespan for these hybrids. Except of course the banjo. That'll have the lifespan of a day."