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FLEADH RECALLS TO BE DECIDED WITH GLADIATOR-STYLE 'BATTLE TO THE DEATH'
May 15, 2015
Musicians all over the country breathed a sigh of relief today as Fleadh organisers announced that the age old pain in the arse that is recalls at Fleadh competitions was to be decided not with music but in Gladiatorial combat.
Cult-Ass has for years searched for a solution to the time consuming problem of competitor recalls by adjudicators who have bad short-term memories only to fall short. However after bringing in specialists from 1st Century Rome, they were able to come up with an appropriate solution of a Battle to the Death.
Chairman Lau has thrown his support behind the new venture saying that it will speed up the recall process whilst also providing a much better form of entertainment for spectators instead of the usual rehashing of 'Down By The Sally Gardens' for the umpteenth time in the U-12 Whistle.
"I'm delighted to finally put this problem to bed. Too many competitions have dragged on throughout the years because of the old recalls. This way we have expedited the process and provided a brand new angle for Cult-Ass."
"We've always wanted the Fleadh to be ultra-competitive and this way we've really tapped into that. What better way to get children to be as competitive as possible by waving a big-ass axe in their face and putting the fear of God into them."
The rules are simple: if an adjudicator orders a recall then the competitors are armed and thrown into battle while the adjudicators, parents and spectators look on. Any number of children can be pitted against one another with the last one standing left to the mercy of the approving or disapproving audience.
"It's simple really. I don't know why we hadn't thought of it before. If you're not sure what we mean, just watch that Star Trek episode with Captain Kirk and Spock fighting. That's the kinda stuff we've to look forward to."
Work has already begun on a specialised colosseum in the mecca of Irish music, Brú Ború in Cashel and is set to be up and running for the All-Ireland Fleadh. However many miniature amphitheatres are already hosting such fights at County Fleadhanna around the country.
Supreme Chancellor of Ballyballbag Cult-Ass, Jamesy McGarry, told The Drone that the change in the rules made perfect sense and only took advantage of the fighting that was already going on at the competitions.
"Jaysus twas only last year we had the parents of the young lads and lassies batin' the shite out of each other. I always use to tell them to shtop and that if anyone was goin' to fight it should be the young wans."
"This year we had our first battle to the death and Jaysus, I haven't felt that alive since my weddin' night! Those kids were swingin' their swords and axes all over the place, bawlin' their eyes out. Hilarious! But was worth it in the end, the young lad got 3rd place and no recommendation to go through."