OFFALY CROWNED CHAMPIONS IN CULT-ASS PREMIER LEAGUE OF MEDALS

Offaly were crowned champions and the new home of traditional Irish music as they topped the Cult-Ass Premier League table for number of medals.

The Faithful County topped the Cult-Ass table with 28 medals, an indicator of the county's musical prowess while Meath propped up the table with just one medal, a clear sign of the lack of music or talent in the region.

Cult-Ass unveiled the new table today in an effort to create a competition out of the competitions, ensuring that even you didn't attend the Fleadh, you still get to take part. Chairman Lau explained:

"You know, there are actually some people who play Irish music that don't even enter competitions or go to the Fleadh! They just...play music...for enjoyment. Astonishing really. I'd liken them to atheists: They don't prepare for an after-life, they just seem to live this one."

"So we thought we should really involve everyone in Irish music. With this medal haul competition, everybody gets to be involved! Even if they don't want to! They also get to pay a €20 entry fee that comes directly out of their wages. My contacts in the Seanad managed to wrangle that one for me!"

Meath's bottom of the table status means they are relegated from the league while Wexford, Dublin and Kildare juts snuck into the Champions League spots. Officials from Offaly say they are looking forward to seeing the Tullamore U-12 Céilí Band line out against the mighty Réal Madrid in September.

Transfer speculation has already begun with the window due to close at the beginning of September. Little Johnny Smith of Wicklow CCE was sold to Portlaois branch for a half eaten bag of Tayto and 4 pints, a new transfer record.

The organisation said that the table should help foster a sense of elistism within the children and make sure they are prepared for a life being critical of their peers and having centrally focussed music.

"We can't afford to take any chances with this music. If there is too much difference in styles then there's no conformity. This way we make sure that everybody is up to a certain standard so parents know where exactly the best music is."