W.H.O. REPORT LINKS PROCESSED MEATS TO MUSICIANS MAKING LATE NIGHT, POST-SESSION FRY-UPS

October 28, 2015

The latest report from the World Health Organisation has found a strong link between processed meats such as sausages and rashers and the late night, post-session cooking rituals of the average Irish musician.

 

Traits common to the Irish musician such as a large gut, oily skin and a narrow range of palatel tastes provided clear evidence of the link which confirms what scientists and researchers have suspected for decades: that Irish musicians have a penchant for cooking dodgy meats at an ungodly hour of night.

 

Scientists believe that copious amounts of alcohol and the energy expelled playing fast and hard music in sessions is to blame for the ritual, which sees the musicians engage in questionable cooking techniques using far much oil.

 

Dr. Frankenwiener: "There has always been a belief among the scientific community that there was something there but it has taken a while to prove it. We took some food samples from the musicians fridges and found exactly what we were looking for."

 

"The Irish musicians are so fatty and oily that it made sense that the food they eat would be of the same consistency. It also seems like most of this cooking takes place at dark, indicating a mix of hunger, poor decision making and shame."

 

This news comes as no surprise to traditional musicians themselves who quote the official Cult-Ass handbook as saying that the 'required dietary requirement for the Irish music enthusiast must contain fatty meats, oil and alcohol in order to maintain one's authenticity as living the flaky existence of the Irish musician'.

 

The WHO has stated that it intends to set up a charity organisation in order to tackle the plight of Irish musicians who cannot cook in an effort to combat the condition.

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