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CULT-ASS LAB ON LOCK-DOWN AFTER GENETICALLY CREATED CULT-ASS STYLE MUSICIAN ESCAPES
February 5, 2016
The laboratory at Cult-Ass headquarters was placed on lock-down today amid reports that the organisation's first genetically created 'Cult-Ass style' musician broke out of its cell.
It is thought that the ambomination escaped during the Cult-Ass employees daily back-patting session and proceeded to run amok through the laboratory, destroying the organisation's years of research along with their prized collection of rusted trophies.
Cult-Ass Supreme Leader Chairman Lau said that the lab will be closed until the musician can be contained and returned to quarantine where it will remain until the All-Ireland Fleadh.
"This is an isolated incident and one that is regrettable in our eyes. We wanted this creation to be unleashed on unsuspecting musicians at the Fleadh but our secret is out!"
"What you see is the culmination of years of research and experimentation. This creation is meant to represent everything our organisation is about and is the future of traditional Irish music."
The monster is a hybrid of different DNA taken from winners at the All-Ireland Fleadh immediately after the results were announced. These samples were then mixed together in a test tube, stuck in the microwave for 10 minutes and then left to cool, resulting in the creature you see above.
"We've come close a number of times before but some of the creations were far too hideous so we released them into the wild. I think some of them are still entering Fleadhs each year as far as I know."
Cult-Ass scientists say that these creatures were created in order to gain a uniformity in style as too much of the music was left open to interpretation with far too many individual styles. This apparently made it difficult for adjudicators and the general public to identify what was good and what was not but this will be a thing of the past following the orgnisation's discovery.
Musicians all over the country have been warned not to approach the beast if seen in a session as they can be extremely boring and morose with no personality.