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CHAIRMAN LAU SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER BANNING ALL 'FOREIGN INSTRUMENTS' FROM SESSIONS
January 30, 2017
Chairman of Cult-Ass Lau, has today signed an executive order calling for an immediate ban on all foreign instruments from traditional music sessions in an effort to protect the real Irish instruments.
Lan took full control of an early morning meeting in Cult-Ass headquarters to bring in sweeping measures ensuring that foreign instruments he listed as the bouzouki, guitar and bodhran, do not enter into sessions and impact on real Irish instruments.
The incumbent leader signed the order at 8:30 am, using newly obtained powers, in an effort to protect what he described as "the only true Irish instruments in sessions, that were created by the Irish themselves such as the violin, the accordion and of course, the touch-tone telephone".
"I don't think people really realise the impact a lot of these foreign instruments are having. You have these long-haired wankers coming into music sessions with their 'gee-tars', their 'pee-anos' and their 'bow-rawns'. I've never seen the like of it before."
"This new order will make sure that no foreign instrument will impact the quality of a session in any way. We Irish have a proud tradition of inventing instruments. Sure wasn't it my own grandfather who invented the concertina, God rest his soul. And our Jimmy from down the road told me the other day he invented the fiddle! Sure you learn something new every day!"
The Chairman said this new provision will protect the interests of people like Jimmy all over the country who claim they invented such instruments and safeguard Irish sessions from foreign invaders.
Any foreign instruments that try to enter into a session will be placed in quarantine behind the bar until a Cult-Ass official is sent to collect such instruments after which they will all be burned in a great big fire.
"We are already compiling a list of all the people who play foreign instruments such as the piano, the harp, the tin whistle and many others. The list is growing already and we haven't even started publishing the names of people who ruin sessions each week. There's much more to come!"