In a report released this morning by experts in gender and identity in traditional music, this Scottish traditional band are way more macho than you will ever be...ever.
You are just a big sissy, the report went on to say, and will never exude the raw masculinity of this band in a million years because you are just a nancy boy, aren't you?
"You wish you could be this masculine, don't you? Well it's about time you accepted that you are not and never will be," the report said in part. "We bet you don't even own a black, skin tight, V-neck T-shirt do you?"
"You will never achieve the smouldering look on their faces will you? All you do is play Irish music in a dark pub. When you think of it, Irish music is kind of feminine. You might as well go get the snip right now!"
The experts also confirmed that everyone who knows you thinks the same thing. They all see this picture and then look at you, disappointed. They know it. You know it. Just say it. Do you even lift?
In fact, the report stressed that it's not only this band, but the majority of Scots trad bands that are much more macho than you. They clearly work out and are successful with the ladies. You...not so much.
They have their own line of kilts. You don't even own a kilt. What's wrong with you? The experts noted that there are a few things that you could do to improve your situation and prove that you aren't so much of a pansy.
"The best thing you could do is give up Irish music and take up Scottish trad instead, preferably the bagpipes. Buy some strong, wet look hair gel and tight fitting clothes. Joining a gym is also imperative."