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"IF YOU WANT A FLEADH, THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY FOR IT", SAYS TRUMP IN ADDRESS TO THE NATION
January 9, 2019
President Trump offered no new solutions to the border wall crisis during his first Oval Office address but instead, surprisingly decided to focus on an issue that seemed to be closer to his heart - the matter of paying for the All-Ireland Fleadh.
Trump told viewers that the real reason for the Government shutdown is because the Democrats won't provide funding for an All-Ireland Fleadh in the US, an agenda that he says has been very close to his heart since he began learning the 'tinny-whistle'.
The former 'Apprentice' star told the nation that if his plans of an All-Ireland Fleadh are to go ahead, then he will need the support of the entire population in funding the project.
"There is a humanitarian crisis going on in Irish music right now - a crisis of the heart and a crisis of the soul. People aren't playing music with enough of that in it! People want a Fleadh right here in America but the Democrats won't give it to them!"
"It has been my dream to play in a Fleadh right here in America since I started learning my tinny-whistle. Some people say I'm the best tinny-whistle there's ever been! Ask any musician, all the great ones are saying that. Lots of great ones, great ones that know me really well. That's what they're saying, that I put others to shame."
During the address, Trump wore a green hat with the words 'Make the Fleadh Great Again' emblazoned across the front while photos of who he calls his 'spiritual father AND mother', Cult-Ass Chairman Labhras O'Murchu, sat on a table behind him.
"Larry is good friend of mine. I only hang around with really smart people, they say that my intelligence rubs off on them. Cult-Ass are in great need to money, they cannot provide all the money themselves, they're a charity. I always said the best way to make money is to spend somebody else's."
Musicians all over the country however poured cold water on the idea, warning that if his plan came to fruition and he entered any competitions, there was sure to be some suspect adjudication.
Local musician: "Look, there's already enough crap adjudication at the Fleadh without having one with Donald Trump involved. You can be sure that if this were to happen, then there would be a lot of Russian adjudicators and Russian based Cult-Ass branches. Can you imagine Jared Kushner adjudicating the Ceili Band competition? He would probably write his notes on the back of top secret government files or something."
Trump encouraged citizens to get behind his dream for a Fleadh to be held in the US and defy the Democrats, even calling on people to donate to GoFundMe pages which have sprung up since the start of the Government shutdown.
"If every citizen donates just $5 towards the Fleadh, that will raise at least...$500! Maybe more! That way we can realise my dream of winning a crappy trophy! I wouldn't ask if we were not desperate. When has Cult-Ass ever asked people or towns to pay money to host THEIR festival? You tell me!"