Children have long been seen as the future of the human race with great focus being placed on their education in an effort to ensure the survival of a civilised society. However they also make a great cash cow for those of us who like to make a bit of extra cash on the side. Thousands of young people now play traditional music with it being seen as somewhat fashionable. This has seen an increase in the standard of playing with many adults only dreaming of being able to play like 10 year old Jimmy on the fiddle, who already gets offers of gigs all over the parish. Some people never reach this standard but that doesn’t mean we can’t get a piece of the action. We’ll explain how you can squeeze every last cent out of those talented and not-so-talented kids of yours.
Playing on the street for money has always been a sort of ‘go-to’ option for many musicians. If one is in need of some cash, busking was always a sure fire way of making a few coins. Why not drag your kids out onto the street and force them to do it for you? They can enjoy the fresh air and hustle and bustle of city life while working their asses off to earn few measly donations for your trip to Lanzarote.
Start a band (with you as the star!)
Gigs are hard to get if you don’t have an established identity. Kids bands are all the rage these days so it’s only natural to start a band with your kids featuring you as the star. You’ll get to live out all your dreams while people pay to see the others play! People are suckers for kids playing music and it doesn’t matter if they’re shite or not! They don’t care! They’ll still pay! You can also expect people with no idea about the music to tell you your kids are brilliant musicians, giving them a completely deluded idea of their own ability and taste in music.
Make a CD
Recordings are two a penny these days so why not get in on the act. Record your kids on your phone, upload it to your computer, add a bit of reverb and synth and hey presto, you’ve got yourself a CD! Put a cute picture of them on the cover and people are bound to take pity and buy a copy. They’ll most likely never take it out of the wrapper but at least you’ll still have their hard earned cash.
Sell your kids to Disneyland
If you want to get one lump sum you could try selling your Irish music playing kids to one of the many theme parks around the world. Disneyland is by far the most popular meaning they would almost certainly have the money to buy those kids off of you. Raglan Road Irish Bar is always looking for musicians to flog to the ignorant visitors so purchasing some children to employ full-time for money seems like a good deal for them and for you. You’ll get your money, still be able to see your kids by visiting the park but be rid of the responsibility of having to raise them yourself! That’ll be up to Disney Inc.!
Start your own live traditional music show, a la ‘Riverdance’
If your kids can also dance you might as well make the most of it! Tourists pay big money to see kids prance around on stage. The cute factor draws a big crowd and if they provide the music too then it’s sure to be a hit. Child labour laws might be a stumbling block considering they won’t be receiving any pay but that’s a minor hiccup for what would surely be a tourist’s dream.
Appear on ‘The Late Late Toy Show’ and wait for the gigs to roll in
Where better to showcase your child’s mediocre talent than on the now dead horse that is the annual Toy Show. Amidst all the usual dross your kids should stand out with their rendition of ‘The Sally Gardens’ punctuated by abrupt cuts and bodhrán solos. Following this the offers of gigs are sure to come rolling in. By taking a managers fee in the region of ‘all of it’, you should make a nice bit of spending money.