"ALCOHOL MAKES YOU A BETTER PLAYER", SAYS DRUNKEN MUSICIAN

In a recent survey of 1 persons, it has been found that drinking alcohol makes you an overall better musician.

The survey was undertaken by a local fiddler of himself, last night at midnight. The results came back within an hour of the survey being taken and the decision was unanimous: alcohol really does make you sound better.

The local fiddle player went on to explain his findings, stating that the improvement in one's playing directly correlates to the amount one drinks. So if one was to drink 2 pints, they would notice a small improvement in their playing. But if one were to drink 8 pints, then they would sound "like Tommy Peoples".

"*hiccup*...ah yeah, I did the survey last night...*hiccup*...fuckin'...12 pints...*hiccup*...fuckin great so I was...fuckin Tommy Peoples like...*hiccup*..."

As a result of his findings, the subject stated that he could play in every hand position, he suddenly knew every tune and he could even play the fiddle left handed. He stated that having a kebab also helps as they are "fuckin' delish man". This scale of incrementals has since become known as 'The Carlsberg Scale'.