'SWEATY BAG SYNDROME' CONSIDERED SERIOUS HEALTH THREAT TO PIPERS

by Caoimhín Mires

Brian O’Toole, health spokesperson for 'Na Píobairí Uilleann', the shadowy piper’s fraternity with links to Cuban paramilitary organizations, has today commented on findings from a special medical study concerning health issues arising from the playing of the nation’s second favourite bagpipe.

At an emergency press conference held in the organization’s secret bunker under Henrietta Street, Dublin, O’Toole outlined the findings of the study which indicates that the ullan pipes, which were introduced to Northern Ireland in the 1970s by radical Scots separatists, should come with a serious health warning.

The report details how the placement of the uilleann’s ostrich skin bag under the players arm involves a dangerous proximity between the player’s underarm sweat and toxins that are released from ostrich skin when it experiences severe acoustic stress.

O’Toole explained how a resulting chemical reaction has been proven under laboratory conditions to release airborne spores that, when ingested, can cause a raft of symptoms including delusions of grandeur, an irrational desire to wear leather waistcoats and cowboy hats, and an urge to wear one’s hair ‘short at the front and long at the back’ after the fashion of 80s TV genius of improvisational escape, MacGyver.

Several noted exponents of the uilleann pipes are currently being tested for the syndrome. O’Toole stated that this medical revelation threatens to bring NPU’s radical revolutionary activities “back to the stone age”, an eventuality that has been welcomed by a broad array of other arts and music associations and a Vatican spokesperson.

(Message from the Editor, Tansey von Frankiegavin: I would like to welcome the newest addition to 'The Drone' team, Caoimhín Mires. We look forward to more of his hard-hitting journalism in the future!)