TRUMP BUYS TRAD

Billionaire American and world-renowned idiot man Donald Trump arrived in Ireland yesterday to inspect the site at Doonbeg golf course. On his arrival at Shannon Airport he was greeted by three lovely girls playing Irish music and upon seeing them, Mr. Trump decided to 'buy the rights to traditional music in all it's forms and the musicians associated forthwith'.

The businessman arrived in Ireland to make a formal complaint to the Irish Government after recently purchasing Doonbeg Golf Course for €15million thinking it was Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. The toupeéd one said that he was not too happy about being duped by a bunch of Leprechauns and wanted to show that he was not easily fooled.

"I am a world renowned businessman. There's no way in hell I'm going to be taken for a ride by a bunch of Leprechauns. I'm here to inspect this place myself. If they can't find the Philosopher's Stone then I will!"

But on his arrival at Shannon, Mr. Trump was flummuxed by the sight of the three lovely girls playing music, so much so he blurted out, "What...What the hell is this? Some type of cheese?". Realising he might have made himself look like a complete idiot and wanting to save face, he immediately decided to purchase the three young women AND Irish traditional music.

When questioned about the events, the Irish Government said that "they were aware of the events in Shannon and had no wish to upset Mr. Trump." Regarding his purchase of Irish traditional music, they said, "We are happy that Mr. Trump has taken an interest in our culture. We were actually going to throw in the music as a sweetener for the Golf course deal, seeing as we have no interest in holding on to it."

Mr. Trump has also issued President Higgins with an ultimatum, asking for his birth certificate so as to prove he is not Bilbo Baggins. He has also given him one week to hand over 'the One Ring to Rule Them All'.

"I want that ring...My...My precioussssssssssssss."