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By Theodor Tradorno

Ireland’s national music security agency 'Cult-Ass' have announced plans to further regulate the performance of Irish traditional music nationwide by issuing special ID cards to approved traditional musicians.

In a press release published on the agency’s official website, 'Cult-Ass' cites the “groundbreaking and recent discovery” of apparent stylistic inconsistencies among various regions in Ireland, as the main motivation for proposing the new regulations. The statement refers to “as of yet, unconfirmed reports that musicians in counties such as Kerry, Clare, Sligo and Donegal are allegedly undermining our vision for a stylistically united Ireland.”

"It is the birthright of every foreign customer to be guaranteed that they can pay for the same authentic Irish national music in every part of Ireland. We feel that we need to make a stand on this. Rebellious attitudes harm our music; what if traditional musicians were to begin playing non-Irish instruments."

'Cult-Ass' executives also expressed fears at current non-Cult-Ass pedagogical methods: “It has been brought to our attention that traditional music is now being passed on by unsanctioned musicians such as neighbours and older more experienced musicians. This is a clear violation of our friendly and authoritarian educational goals. We can’t have a situation where musicians responsible for passing on our music might never even have bought a bottle of orange at a Fleadh, never mind winning an All-Ireland competition.”

In an attempt to regulate and standardise current musical practices, 'Cult-Ass' executives have established a sizeable advisory board of previous All-Ireland Senior Accordion champions who play in the style of Joe Burke, with a view to “nipping this new and worrying development in the bud.” Plans are also underway to initiate a new series of adjudication workshops for “twelve to sixteen year-olds from good 'Cult-Ass' families” designed to safeguard the future of expert analysis and judgement at 'Cult-Ass' competitions. Successful candidates are expected to commence adjudication duties as early as May 2015.

Specific details of the identification cards remain classified but leaked information suggests that they will feature a “Cult-Ass approved photo”, as well as the following personal particulars: “name, address, instrument, branch, gender, and ‘sexual orienteering’.” A CULT-ASS press conference scheduled for this afternoon was regretfully abandoned following a heated exchange between security personnel and a ‘suspicious-looking’ scarf-wearing journalist who politely refused to eat a piece of stale barmbrack and to take milk in his tea.


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