DETECTIVE GLACKIN TO INVESTIGATE 'SPOONS MURDER'
The body of a spoons player has been found washed up on a Dublin beach and is thought to be the victim of a murder. Respected fiddle player and Detective Garda, Kevin Glackin, has been drafted to investigate.
The spoons player was found early this morning with his spoons close by and according to onlookers was lying there for some time before a concerned piano accordionist informed authorities. The body has yet to be identified however this is a clear indication that they are not missed by anyone. State Pathologist Marie Cassidy has concluded that the spoons player died of strangulation and of a fractured skull.
"It is clear to me that the deceased suffered head injuries consistant with being hit with a bicycle and there are ligature marks on the neck which also show that they were strangled, most likely with the bike's gear changing cable. Whoever committed this crime, really wanted this spoons player dead!"
This evidence is reminiscent of acts described in the song 'The Spoons Murder', by Con Fáda O'Drisceoil, sparking fears that there is a copycat serial killer on the loose, exclusively targeting Irish musicians. This comes on the back of the discovery of another man's body, a bodhrán player, who died after being stabbed to death with his new 'Tipper-Tron 3000'.
Garda Commissioner Noirín O'Sullivan has allayed these fears: "There is absolutely not a serial killer on the loose. These are two completely seperate incidents. Anyway, if there was a serial killer targeting Irish musicians, I'd only be worried if you played spoons, piano accordion or any of those other monstrosities."
The Commissioner went on to say that as a result of the Irish music nature of the crimes, Detective Garda Kevin Glackin will be specially assigned to the case : "His expertise in this area will be invaluable. His knowledge of the music will allow us to get inside the mind of the perpetraitor."
When asked what he thought of the death of the spoons player, Det. Glackin had this to say:
"Couldn't give a shite!"