HUGE BONER WINS AT PROVINCIAL FLEADH

A bones player weighing 25 stone (approx. 158kgs/350lbs) has come out on top after placing first in the ‘Senior Bones’ competition at provincial level. He will now go on to compete at the All-Ireland Fleadh in August.

Barry O’Donnell, 36, was one of 15 competitors on the day in a tightly fought contest however it wasn’t his prowess on the bones that made him stick out at the start. His enormous size took people off guard with one woman saying ‘he was the biggest boner she’d ever seen’.

“There are a lot of competitors here today but he really stood out. He’s the biggest boner I’ve ever seen, even bigger than my husband! He’s around 5’10”, average build but didn’t enter the county fleadh.”

Due to his immense size, a suitable seat could not be found for Barry and so he had to stand erect while he accompanied his friend, whistle player Treasa Ní Fhaighin in a rousing set of jigs ending with ‘Crabs in the Skillet’. The listening crowd could hardly hold on and burst into applause as soon as soon as his wrist went limp.

The adjudicator had no choice but to award Barry first place, praising his ‘penetrating style’ and saying that he should do well at the All-Ireland even if he plays to a semi-reasonable level. O’Donnell was thankful his appearance didn’t negatively impact people’s reactions to his boning.

“I was getting fairly sweaty up there. My arm was thrusting about all over the place but I soon got it into a rhythm and stuck with that. When I was finished people erupted into applause and began chanting, ‘Bod! Bod! Bod!’. It was great, I felt just like Brian O’Driscoll!”