TRAD WARS: EPISODE II - Attack of the Spoons

March 20, 2015

 

It’s been ten years since the events of ‘The Bodhrán Menace’ and the Trad Republic has been at peace. However, murmurings of a separatist trad movement led by former Purist Knight, Count Doolin has made people nervous.

 

“I see trad music as something that can be sold to unwitting tourists”, Count Doolin proclaims, “I see them all the time pass through O’Connors with their crappy guitars.”

 

“I want to see that all those tourists with spoons have a chance to ruin the sessions there and all over the Trad Republic!”

 

Queen Clifford proposes to create an army of actual musicians to counteract this news however on her arrival at the Cobblestone she is attacked by a Tunes Hunter posing as a Spanish exchange-student.

 

She is saved by the quick thinking of Anakin Slidewalker and to keep her safe from further musical attacks, is placed in his protection. Meanwhile, the Purist Council assigns Obi One Jig-only to find out the perpetrators of the attempted assassination.

 

Obi One Jig-only’s investigation leads him to a remote planet with no signs of intelligent life, Clare. Upon his arrival he discovers that Count Doolin has been secretly amassing an army of tourist spoons players.

 

“My God. I thought the tourists that film us with their blinding iPhone flashes were bad…I have to find Doolin!”

 

He then spots the notorious Tunes Hunter, Boba Sett-of tunes, leaving on his space craft. In his quick thinking, Obi One Jig-only hops onto a following cargo ship in the hope of finding the elusive Doolin.

 

Meanwhile, Anakin Slidewalker and Queen Clifford fall in love while hiding out after the assassination attempt.

 

Queen Clifford: “Whisper dirty, wrong things in my ear!”

 

Anakin Slidewalker: “A slide…into a polka…into a hop-jig…and then back into a polka.”

 

Queen Clifford: *Swoon*

 

Suddenly, Anakin gets a horrible feeling that his mother is in great danger, stuck in the middle of a terrible session. He quickly commandeers a space-ship and returns to his home planet, Connemara.

 

There he arrives too late to find his mother tortured in a session of 3 bodhráns, a piano accordion and 4 tin whistles. He hugs her as she dies, becoming enveloped with rage. He kills the bodhrán, piano accordion and tin whistle players and returns to tell Queen Clifford what he has done.

 

“I want to stop people from dying in these sessions!”

 

“But Anakin, you can’t just kill people there and then, it’s not right!”

 

“But, but there were bodhrán players…”

 

Obi On Jig-only arrives on the planet of Temple Bar-nosis to find the separatist gathering led by Count Doolin. He learns it was he who authorised the assassination attempt.

 

“She thinks she’s so great,” says Doolin, “With her slides and polkas and shite. I’ll show her where the real music is…in the lowly spoon!”

 

Obi transmits his findings to Anakin:

“It’s horrifying! A whole army of spoons players led by Count Doolin!”

 

“Wait a second. Are they dessert or soup spoons?” replies Anakin.

 

“Soup!”

 

“May God have mercy on us all…”

 

Obi is captured mid transmission by Boba Sett-of tunes so Anakin and Queen Clifford travel to Temple Bar-osis to save him. But as is typical in stories such as this, they too are captured and all 3 are sentenced to death.

 

The spoons players army begins their assault on the Trad Republic however the Purist Knights led by Master Polka arrive just in time to save our protagonists and lead an army to engage the spoons players.

 

With soup flying everywhere, Anakin and Obi intercept Doolin as he attempts to flee and a flute-saber battle ensues. However Doolin’s ‘Nyah’ is strong and he defeats Obi and cuts off Anakin’s right arm.

 

“Arrrrgh! That’s my regulator hand you prick!”

 

Master Polka leaps to the Purists aid and attacks Doolin who, realising he cannot defeat his adversary, drop his flute and leaves for Monkstown. There, he drops off secret blueprints to his master Darth Lau for the ultimate weapon: a giant bodhrán stick.

 

As the Purist Knight’s acknowledge the beginning of the Spoon Wars, Anakin and Queen Clifford get married in secret while Anakin has a new, robotic regulator arm attached, capable of playing the pipes in tune, something never before seen.

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