ireland's finest traditional irish music news source
TRAD WARS: EPISODE III - Revenge of the Ard Comhairle
July 19, 2015
3 years have passed since the onset of The Spoon Wars and the Purist Knights are spread out all over the Trad Republic.
During a battle over Coili-scant between the Trad Republic and the Trazz Alliance, our heroes Obi One Jig-only and Anakin Slidewalker lead a mission to rescue the kidnapped Supreme Tune-cellor Hornpipe-atine from the Trazz Alliance Commander, General Reelous as he bombards the Tune-cellor in a session composed entirely of dribbly bodhrán, nylon string guitars and UL students.
"See if you can survive another round of The Glasgow Reel!" snarls General Reelous as Count Doolin looks on.
After infiltrating Reelous' session, the Purists engage Count Doolin in a flutesaber duel which ends with Anakin killing Count Doolin at Hornpipe-atine's urging. However Reelous manages to flee the session which the Purists manage to crash into the Coili-scant bar.
At the bar Anakin manages to re-unite with his wife Queen Clifford despite having a few drinks on him and after only mistaking 3 other women for her.
"Anakin, I'm pregnant!" announces Queen Clifford.
"Ah that's not on. There's still so much I wanna do like play on 'SBB ina Shuí', play the fiddle tutors concert at the Willie Clancy without pissing myself with nerves and other things too. Although I suppose I could get used to the idea. As long as we raise the child in the traditional manner: they start out on the whistle and we eventually force them to play the fiddle while retaining a hatred of bodhráns."
However, Anakin begins to have premonitions of Queen Clifford dying...inside during childbirth and becoming a spoons player.
Hornpipe-atine appoints Anakin to the Purist Council as his representative following his rescue but the other Purists refuse to grant Anakin the title of Master Purist, deeming him not good enough to join their session and instead order him to monitor the Tune-cellor diminishing Anakin's faith in the Purists.
Hornpipe-atine entices Anakin with knowledge of Trazz-side of the Force, including the power to prevent people from taking up the spoons. Hornpipe-atine then reveals himself to be Darth Lau, Lord of the Ard-Comhairle.
When Anakin reveals this treachery to fellow Purist Mace Wind-instrument-du, Mace confronts Darth Lau, subdueing him in a flutesaber duel. Seeing Darth Lau under a wave of solid flute tunes, Anakin succumbs to the Trazz Side and blasts Mace away with a flurry of syncopation and off beats. Hornpipe-atine dubs Anakin, Darach O'Faidír.
Meanwhile, Obi One Jig-only follows General Reelous to a trazz base in UL and engages him in battle, defeating him. Darth Lau issues an order for all the Spoons Armies to kill their Purist Commanders. Darach O'Faidír himself kills the remaning Purist Knights who are discovered by Obi One Jig-only and Master Polka.
Realising Anakin has turned to the Trazz-side, Obi tracks him to Dolan's in Limerick to confront him. When they meet, Queen Clifford shows up unexpectantly, causing Anakin to accuse her of being loyal to the Purists and partaking in exclusive sessions. Obi and Anakin engage in battle where Obi dismembers him with a selection of obscure 1920s reels.
Obi leaves Anakin to die and leaves with Queen Clifford who gives birth shortly after to two twins, Luke and Leia Slidewalker but Clifford succumbs to illness and becomes a spoons player. Hornpipe-atine manages to salvage Anakin and has his body repaired with instrument parts and an iPod which continuously feeds him trazz recordings. Hornpipe-atine informs Darach O'Faidír of Queen Clifford's defection which devastates him.
As Darach and Darth Lau oversee the construction of the Death Bar, Obi One-jig-only and Master Polka decide to hide the twins, with Leia being adopted by the NPU and Luke being looked after by his uncle and aunt in Connemara-ooine where Obi intends to watch over Luke until the time is right to challenge the Empire.