PUBLICAN TRAINS KILLER SEAGULLS TO ATTACK SESSION WRECKERS

July 28, 2015

A Dublin publican has trained a group of the notorious killer seagulls to attack session wreckers in an attempt to maintain the high standards of music in the capital.

 

Owner of The Cobblestone Pub Tom Mulligan has told The Drone that the Irish music being played in the Smithfield pub is of great importance to him and after reading about the recent spate of killer seagull attacks decided to make more productive use of the flying vermin.

 

"I take pride in having the highest standard of Irish music 7 nights a week. However with great music comes great responsibility. It is up to me to keep down the number of 'session wreckers' that pass through these doors."

 

"It's only natural that you'd have a wide range of people come to the pub so you have to keep your wits about you around the session area. Although I can't do it all on my own. When I read about those seagulls attacking that dog and all those people, I knew I had found my solution."

 

The publican managed to acquire 6 killer seagulls that had been taken in by animal control and hired a professional animal trainer to teach them to identify potential ruiners of a session and deal with them with a barrage of pecking and clawing.

 

Seagulls have always been seen in Dublin but this latest breed of killer seagull has become increasingly cheeky over the last month. This proved quite useful in their training as the gulls learned very quickly how to identify musicians playing out of tune, out of time and just generally shite.

 

"They're already proving a hit. We've received huge praise from the regular musicians at how productive the seagulls have been. There's been no reports of any hippies or crusty dulcimer players."

 

"That allows me to concentrate on the general running of the bar. The gulls just perch up around the session keeping an eye on things. They look harmless but of you start improvising during a tune or being an arse, you can be rest assured they'll be onto you in a flash and grab that guitar."

 

A number of other Dublin pubs have expressed interest in the seagulls while Temple Bar patrons have told The Drone that the gulls have always hung around the notorious tourist spot and for good reason.

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