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The Lord of the CDs: The Return of the Dean of UL
September 2, 2015
Before he was known as Ó’Suillea-gollum, this creature was known simply as Shmícheál. Like our protagonists, he was a hobbit once, until he was ensnared by the power of the CD.
Shmícheál sits in a pub outside Limerick with his friend Deagol enjoying a few pints. Their friendly banter is broken by a curious sound coming from the speakers inside the pub. Shmícheál is instantly taken with it and searches the back room to find the source of the sound. It is then he comes across the CD. He holds it up, staring at it as if he was cast under some spell.
Suddenly, his friend Deagol, also taken with the CD, snatches it from his grasp and tries to run off...but he is caught by Shmícheál who wrestles him to the ground.
“You’ll never take my...Crispy!”
In the struggle, Shmícheál drowns his hobbit friend in a pint of Guinness, leaving the CD all to himself. With his mind twisted by the power of the CD, he runs into the Galtee Mountains where he remains, obsessed with the CD for nearly 500 years.
The present day:
Joe Burke-dalf, Harry-gorn, Donohue-li and O’Ragho-las descend on the now defeated Labhrú-man who is stranded atop his Monkstower. In their attempts to coax him down, Labhrú-man defiantly tells them:
“I’d rather die than see a traditional music world ruled by musicians!”
Labhrú-man throws himself off the top of the Monkstower to his death. Now with Keeg-ron’s strongest ally gone, our heroes sense they are gaining the upper hand. Amidst the back patting, Burke-dalf senses something.
“I feel...I feel there is an un-tuned accordion being played somewhere.”
Burke-dalf senses that Keeg-ron’s army is planning to attack Tigh Cóiliath and so he rides immediately to Galway. He pleads with Martín O’Con-mir to seek help in preparing for battle but he does not believe Joe Burke-dalf.
“Sure UL would never attack here. Sure they wouldn’t know the tunes we play. If they do attack we’ll just get Galway’s endless supply of buskers to help.”
But Burke-dalf knows this won’t be enough, especially against the Trazz-ghúl and so while the musicians play in Tigh Cóiliath, Burke-dalf switches on the Galway signal for help – a giant light in the sky in the shape of Frankie Gavin.
Across the country, Harry-gorn spots the light and shows the ruler of Clontarf.
“The beacon is lit! Galway calls for aid!”
“And Clontarf shall answer.”
Harry-gorn takes the flute Grinter-ril to acquire the help of the Army of the Dead 1930s Musicians for the coming battle. Joined by Donohue-li and O’Ragho-las, Harry-gorn demands the loyalty of the ghosts of Coleman, Morrison, McKenna, McFadden, Early, O’Beirne, Killoran and others to follow him into battle.
“What play you? WHAT PLAY YOU?”
Meanwhile, Frodo and Dan-wise Mahoney follow Ó’Suillea-gollum into UL via a secret entrance through Sliabh Luachra. However on their journey, Dan-wise learns of Ó’Suillea-gollum’s plan to kill the pair and take the CD for himself. Dan-wise tries to warn Frodo but Frodo refuses to believe him.
“How could you say that after all Ó’Suillea-gollum’s done for us? He’s only a poor, defenceless piano player. He’d never harm anyone, not even a tune!”
Frodo drives Dan-wise, leaving him to continue the journey alone with Ó’Suillea-gollum who secretly plans to leave Frodo at the mercy of a giant Concertina.
Keeg-ron’s army descends on Tigh Cóiliath, laying siege to the local musicians with a barrage of syncopation, jazz rhythms and poorly constructed harmonies. However the musicians from Clontarf arrive just in time to decimate this first wave but are soon overpowered by the forces of the Trazz-ghúl. The Flute-King of the Trazz-ghúl kills the leader of Clontarf while claiming:
“No man can kill me!”
Up steps a warrior from battle and with one fell swoop of their giant Harp fatally wounds the Flute-king.
“But…but I said no man can kill me…”
“I am no man…I have both male AND female reproductive parts, so I’m somewhere in between really.”
Finally Harry-gorn arrives with the Army of the Dead 1930s Musicians and routs Keeg-ron’s forces with a flurry of solid tunes and good ornamentation, ending the battle.
Frodo and Ó’Suillea-gollum continue along the path until Ó’Suillea-gollum manages to slip away from Frodo. This leaves him at the mercy of the giant concertina, paralysing him with shrill, reedy playing. Dan-wise returns to help Frodo but can only watch as Frodo is carried away by a group of drunken UL students to the student bar.
Dan-wise follows them and waits for his moment. The students soon become embroiled in an argument between themselves over who the most modern player in the college is:
“I’m definately the most modern player. I’m playing with 2 double basses and 3 nylon string guitar players for my final performance.”
“Nah I’m way more modern. Sure I don’t even know ‘The Maids of Mount Cisco’ but I know every tune Flook ever recorded!”
As the students argue, Dan-wise slips in unnoticed and grabs Frodo. The two leave the student bar and continue towards the Academy of Doom. Meanwhile, Harry-gorn leads Donohue-li, O’Ragho-las, Joe Burke-dalf and the rest of his army to the gates of UL and distracts Keeg-ron’s forces by holding a flute master class, allowing Dan-wise and Frodo to successfully enter the Academy.
They enter the recording studio and find the disc shredder. But just as Frodo is about to destroy the CD, he succumbs to its power. He turns to Dan-wise who implores him to destroy the CD but Frodo simply starts lilting a Mike McGoldrick tune.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” shouts Dan-wise.
Out of nowhere, Ó’Suillea-gollum attacks Frodo and tries to take the CD for himself. In the ensuing struggle, Ó’Suillea-gollum bites off Frodo’s finger to get the CD but inadvertently drops the CD into the shredder.
“MY CRISPYYYYYYYYYYYYY! NOOOOOOOO!”
With the CD now destroyed, the Academy starts to fall apart around them. Dan-wise and Frodo, now released from the CD’s power, escape the building as it collapses behind them. Keeg-ron’s forces fall to their knees defeated with Keeg-ron himself disappearing amongst the rubble of the Academy.
Soon after, Harry-gorn is crowned Dean of UL and the fellowship is honoured for their deeds. The traditional world is now safe from the threat of bad music…but…for how long?