IRISH MUSICIANS WAIT ANXIOUSLY BY PHONE FOR PADDY'S DAY GIGS TO ROLL IN

Irish musicians all over the world are anxiously waiting by their telephone in the hopes that lucrative St. Patrick's Day gigs will start rolling in, spelling the end of their previous year as destitutes.

St. Patrick's Day, or Paddy's Day as it is known by gobshites, has always been the traditional end of tax year for Irish musicians despite the fact many of them don't pay tax. However it is the one day of the year that they can charge whatever they want due to the desperateness of various establishments to appear somewhat cultural.

At the moment it is estimated that 100% of Irish musicians are biting their nails next to their phones in the hope that some sort of well-paid gig will present itself, allowing them to live off this one-off payment for the rest of the year. One musician has told The Drone of his despair.

"I've been here for three days now and no-one has called! How hard can it be to get just one gig?! All I want is that security knowing that I can afford drink for the rest of the year. I mean, who wouldn't want to have a spoons player on Paddy's Day?"

"For the love of God would someone just call me! I'm starting to hallucinate with the anxiety! I keep thinking I can hear the phone ring and I'm beginning to see people laugh at me! Not including the ones who do that down the local every session."

Traditional musicians all over the country have been known to become incredibly cut-throat in pursuit of these gigs, often undercutting each other on price and promises to dress as much like a Leprechaun as possible.

Unfortunately for our interviewee, he has since become institutionalised and committed to Cult Ass Headquarters in Monkstown.