IRISH CENSUS FINDS SOME POOR BOLLOCKS WHO PLAYS IRISH MUSIC ON THE MELODICA

Early findings released by the Census Office has revealed that there is one poor bollocks somewhere in the country who plays traditional Irish music on the melodica.

The melodica is well-known in various circles of music as being a shite 'instrument', however this hasn't stopped one gobshite from attempting to play traditional music on it, leading many people to claim that he is taking the piss.

Other quarters have claimed that the figure is a mistake however a spokesperson from the Census Office has said that they investigated the claims and have subsequently found them to be true.

"It's true. There really is some arsehole out there going to the trouble of learning tunes on that bloody thing. God help us if he's bringing it out to sessions."

"Looking at the form it says he is a single male living in a remote part of the country. No family and there was no-one else present in the house when he filled in the form. Thank God. I wouldn't want anyone subjected to that thing."

When contacted by The Drone, the man asked not to be identified and asked for his photo to be pixellated. He explained that he was a hipster and the melodica is a precious, traditional instrument to his people.

"The melodica has long been in our culture. We play it right now, knowing that it is very uncool. No-one else plays it. Literally, as you see by the census I am the only player in Ireland. If anyone else took it up I'd feck it out the window."