Cult-Ass scientists have finally succeeded in condensing the entirety of the Irish music tradition into just 3 tunes: Saddle the Pony, Britches Full of Stitches and the Concertina Reel.

The scientists achieved the impossible task by placing the entire Foinn Seisiun book collection at a temperature far below that of Guinness Extra Cold and crushing them with an immense amount of pressure – more than is found in a Donegal fiddler’s bow hand.

This achievement will revolutionise traditional music and could see thousands more strange middle-aged Americans, Japanese and annoying kids taking up the music, super-fast sessions and ultra efficient Fleadh competitions.

Cult-Ass scientist: “This is the holy grail of traditional Irish compilations. It’s the first ever sample of a condensed tradition in the world so when you’re looking at it, you’re looking at a Foinn Seisuin that’s never existed before.”

For nearly 50 years, Cult-Ass has dreamed of condensing traditional Irish music into the lightest of all the Foinn Seisuin books and then selling it at a huge mark up.

Musicians have attempted to throw cold water on the idea, saying that a tradition as rich and vibrant as Irish music cannot be represented simply by 3 tunes. The Cult-Ass scientists disagree.

“This is the next step in traditional music evolution. Too much time is wasted conversing about different versions of tunes and tunes from different regions. This way it’s completely streamlined so there will be a level playing field!”


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