THERESA MAY LAYS CLAIM TO NORTHERN IRISH MUSICIANS IN BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS

British Prime Minister Theresa May has laid claim to all traditional Irish musicians from Northern Ireland in the latest round of Brexit negotiations.

May declared in a meeting with EU officials that any traditional Irish musician from the six counties would have to remain there and any living abroad would also have to return due to the anticipated introduction of a ‘hard-border’ with the Republic.

In an address to the British Parliament the PM said that she is not for moving and that traditional Irish musicians from the North are a major factor in her negotiations.

“These musicians are from the six counties and it is there they shall remain! Expats living abroad or in the Republic will be forced to return to the North as is their duty! We will not bow to these EU bureaucrats trying to take our musicians!”

“Our sessions will be strong and stable thanks to these returning patriots. Too many seats at sessions are being taken up by the invaders. They need cleansing with some pure bloods…I will make sure we get our Harry Bradley back and that they will never have our Garry Hastings!”

EU officials are said to be stunned at the move and have described May’s demands as ludicrous bordering on delusional. Taoiseach Enda Kenny has moved swiftly to play down the comments and has said that traditional musicians are at the top of his list of Brexit priorities.

“I’ve been in contact with Theresa May and I have told her that there must be special dispensation for traditional musicians in the event of a ‘hard-border’ with the North. They will be given new visas that will allow for seamless transitions between sessions.”

Traditional Irish musicians themselves are sceptical and believe that this will spell the end for collaborations between Northern Irish and Republic musicians. One musician told The Drone:

“There’ll be no more ‘Paddy Glackin and Robbie Hannon’, ‘Mairtin O’Connor and Cathal Hayden’, or ‘Harry Bradley and Jesse Smith’. That Theresa May has no idea that she is splitting up these musical families. Shame on her!”