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Head of Cult-Ass, Chairman Lau, has sensationally proclaimed that there were far more people attending this year’s All Ireland Fleadh Ceoil in Drogheda, than will be at the upcoming visit to Ireland of Pope Francis.

The Cult-Ass incumbant made the claims while on stage at the Senior Ceili Band competition, during his annual display of self-love and Cult-Ass back-patting, saying that this year’s Fleadh in Louth saw the biggest number of attendees ever.

“This year’s Fleadh was by far the best ever!”, Lau told an adoring crowd, “I have been to all of the previous Fleadhs, staying in the best hotels and eating the best food thanks to your taxes and Fleadh fees…”

“…so I can safely say that this year’s Fleadh saw the most number of people at any Fleadh…ever! I’m no good at judging crowds, but I’d say there were around 3 million people at this Fleadh! Take that Pope Francis! There’s no way he can beat that number!”

Hundreds of people cheered at the delusional claims, somehow believing that more people equals a better festival and better music. But the crowds believed his claims and cheered for more.

“That will stick it to Popey now. This Fleadh was definitely, the BEST EVER! That is, until next year, when I tell you all the same stupid line and you morons all cheer! Wahey! Thanks for the massive paypacket!”

Musicians across the country rolled their eyes when Lau strode out on stage in full Cult-Ass regalia, imitating Pope Francis, with the Senior Ceili Band trophy perched on the end of Lau’s mystical staff, which is rumoured to have been whittled from 100 slide whistles.

The sensational claims were criticised by normal people who say that it is impossible to tell, since the Pope hasn’t even arrived in the country yet. However, Fleadh goers responded by saying that anybody who speaks ill of the Fleadh or Lau is simply a begrudger.

A small-minded Culchie who sings Christy Moore songs told The Drone: “Ah Jaysus those people don’t know real music. Sure I walked the streets here and there were literally kids playing every 10 yards. Sure that’s great isn’t it! More people crammed into pubs and on every street corner must mean great music, right?”

Bookies are preparing odds on next year’s claims by Chairman Lau, with Paddy Power already paying out on bets saying that Lau will claim there was more people at the Fleadh than at the end of the world/the rapture.


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