NEW VEGAN INSTRUMENTS BASICALLY JUST DIFFERENT TYPES OF LETTUCE

A new vegan instrument craze which is sweeping across the world of traditional music has come under fire for reportedly forcing musicians to pay through the nose for instruments that are basically just varieties of lettuce.

Many well-known traditional musicians have followed in the footsteps of celebrities and world figures by changing to a vegan diet and not only that, but changing to a vegan instrument that is ultimately more sustainable and has less impact on the natural environment.

However these new vegan instruments have been criticised by many musicians for simply being too expensive for what they are, which they say is 'just a piece of lettuce'.

One local musician told The Drone: "I went to my usual session the other night and was shocked to see that everyone else had gone vegan. I mean, they weren't just eating a vegan diet. They all had these new instruments that looked like, well, lettuce..."

"I play the box and asked me mate if I could have a go of his new 'green' Paolo Soprani. I played a quick tune and quickly realised that the bleeding' thing really was just a big piece of lettuce. These vegans really are assholes!"

Traditional instruments have been described by vegans as 'barbaric', simply for the amount of animal products and unsustainable natural materials being used to make them. They cited cat-gut strings, horse-hair and the amount of wood used as the main reasons for wanting a change to a vegan-style instrument.

Many of traditional music's best-known musicians have endorsed the new vegan instruments, including Dermot Byrne, Edel Fox, Padraic Keane and even the great Matt Molloy, who gave a demonstration of his new 'lettuce-flute' on a recent edition of 'Nationwide' on RTE One.

"It was grown by a fella in England called William Butterhead. It's very simple process really. They grow the lettuce to a certain size depending on what key you want to play in and just drill in the holes. It's much more eco-friendly way of playing traditional music. I would encourage all musicians to do the same, and boycott makers who still use wood and other materials. I'm even boycotting Hammy Hamilton, just because he has 'ham' in his name. I'm a vegan through and through."

However the instruments have come under fire for not being cost-effective, with growers charging large amounts for the best varieties, only for the instrument to rot and decay and then having to buy a new one. Dermot Byrne explained the reasoning:

"This box now is a real Butterhead, a lovely sound. You'll pay much more for something like a Romaine or a Cos. Sure the Iceberg ones are only shite, pure water. A lot of beginners like to go for something like the Baby Gem. I've heard they're even considering bringing out a Brussel Sprout for the really young kids doing Suzuki."