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Lord of the CDs: The Two Monkstowers

And so continues the quest…

When last we saw our protagonist Frodo, he had made the decision to abandon his comrades without so much a ‘see you later’. A typical Irish-Goodbye. But our hero keeps telling himself that it was for the good of the music. The One CD is much safer, less dangerous this way. Alone and in desperate need of a pint, Frodo decides to try and rest for the night when all of a sudden he hears a noise, rustling in the bushes.

“Christ sake. They’re doing it in the bushes. I’ve stumbled upon the Fleadh camping site.”

Just then, Frodo’s old friend, Dan-wise Mahonee jumps from the bushes.

“Frodo! What’s the craic? I’ve come to help you get rid of that shite CD! Where’s everyone else?”, says Dan-wise.

“The fellowship is broken. It’s fecked. There’s no fixing it so we might as well go on tomorrow, just the two of us”, replies Frodo.

That night they are awoken by the surprise presence of the former owner of the CD…Mícheál Ó’Suillea-Gollum!

“My…my…Crispy. Give me back my Crispy!”

Fortunately the two overpower him as he attempts to steal the CD. Immediately Ó’Suillea-Gollum tries to bargain with the two, offering to put them in his next show, even offering them a Doctorate each. Eventually he agrees to show them the way to UL but Dan-wise does not trust him and so decides to be extra vigilant.

Meanwhile, Harry-gorn, Martin Donohue-li and a reincarnated Caoimhín O’Ragho-las continue their way through Middle-Ireland. On their way through the forest they come across a blinding white light.

“Turn off the flash off that fucking iPhone whoever ye are! Jesus!”, shouts Harry-gorn.

As the light dims, our heroes faces drop when they see who is standing in their path Joe Burke-dalf.

“Joe! I thought you were dead?”, says Donohue-li.

“Listen, just because I haven’t made an album in a few doesn’t mean you can go saying that!”, replies Joe.

“No! Sure you fell down the man-hole!”

“Oh yeah. Funny story…Kept falling for ages. Well, it felt like ages, it must have been those Jaeger Bombs we were having. Anyway, the Bodh-rog…easy really. I just told him there were sessions in Ennis with no bodhrán so that grabbed his attention and then he was off. After my hangover I just woke up in this white gown…No idea where it came from. So I used to be Joe Burke-dalf the Grey Paolo Soprani…now I’m Joe Burke-dalf the White Paolo Soprani. One of a kind.”

Before they set off with the reincarnated Burke-dalf they decide to rest in a nearby pub. Upon entering they are immediately set upon by a group of musicians playing music in the corner. Armed with the sharpest fiddle bows our heroes had ever seen, the group throw out probing questions:

“How are ye? Where ye from? Do ye come here often? What’s the name of this one, ‘la-la-la, la-la, le-la le-la le-la’?”

Harry-gorn interjects, “Whoa! Jesus, what’s this, the Spanish Inquisition? I wasn’t expecting that…And that’s the Rambling Pitchfork. We should be asking who you are!”

The apparent leader of the group lowers his flute, “We are from the Kingdom of Clontarf, where all is not well. We have been excommunicated here as Labhrú-man of Monkstown has disbanded the kingdom and employed Gríma Monks-tongue to pursue his interests. Anybody who questions this move is banished from Clontarf CCE and is forced to find refuge elsewhere.”

“But why?” asks Donohue-li.

“Long story. Don’t ask. We could really use your help to try and get back in there, what do ye say?”

“I suppose we could make a detour”, replies Harry-gorn.

Meanwhile, Ó’Súillea-Gollum leads Frodo and Dan-wise over the Burren to the entrance of the University of Limerick. But when they arrive, they find it heavily guarded by the Trazz-ghul.

“Bollocks. What now?”, says Frodo.

“Don’t worry master! I know another entrance for my crispy…I mean, the CD”, says Gollum, “It might take a bit longer. Follow me.”

Back in Clontarf our heroes have arrived to find Gríma Monks-tongue in control of the Clásac. Luckily our heroes are able to subdue the Quisling regime and send Monks-tongue back to Labhrú-man. Their leader is convinced that war is coming, after overhearing Monks-tongue talking with Labhrú-man. The heroes decide they must bring the entire branch to the safety of the Cobblestone Backroom’s Deep and prepare for a siege.

But as they travel, the group is attacked by a hoard of Ard-Comhairle members and in the ensuing struggle, Harry-gorn is apparently smothered by CCÉ bureaucracy, leaving only Donohue-li and O’Ragho-las to guide the Clontarf population to their destination.

Frodo, Dan-wise and Gollum continue their journey to the back door of UL. But on their travels they are captured by Frankie-mir’s brother, Martín O’Con-mir and taken to Galway. Ó’Súillea-Gollum feels betrayed by Frodo and begins plotting his betrayal.

The inhabitants of Clontarf reach the Cobblestone Backroom’s Deep just in time, as a massive army of Ard-Comhairle Members and Trazz-ghul descend on them, instruments in hand, ready to join the biggest session anyone’s ever seen. Just when all is thought to be lost, Harry-gorn returns, seemingly undaunted from his brush with bureaucracy.

The battle is bloody. Goatskin, horsehair, reeds and plectrums fly through the air as the rival sessioners all try to outdo each other. When one group plays a tune, the other counters with a different version…

“This is the Mrs. Crotty version!”

“Well this is the Tommy Potts version!”


After hours of musical battle, the smoke clears to reveal only a few standing, but with the Trazzghul and the Ard-Comhairle defeated! Labhrú-man, now defeated, sits stranded in his Monkstower, unable to make a move for his master Lord Keeg-ron.

Frodo, Dan-wise and Ó’Súillea-gollum arrive in Galway under the leadership of Martín O’Con-mir and are immediately taken to Tigh Cóiliath. Here, Frodo and Dan-wise show the CD to O’Con-mir and explain their quest. Realising the mistake he has made, O’Con-mir releases the trio to continue their journey.

“Jesus sorry lads. It was a simple mistake you know, recording with Cathal Hayden. He sounds just like Frankie. But yeah you should really get on with your journey too. Gotta destroy that CD like.”

And so the trio move on. But unknown to Frodo and Dan-wise, Ó’Súillea-Gollum is quietly leading them to their doom.

“We’ll show them…I’ll use her to kill them…My…My crispy.”

To be continued with 'The Lord of the CDs: The Return of the Dean of UL


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