NEW CULTURAL AMBASSADOR MARTIN HAYES TO NEGOTIATE BREXIT-BACKSTOP
Newly appointed Cultural Ambassador for Ireland, Martin Hayes, has been brought in for emergency meetings on the Brexit-Backstop with British Prime Minister Theresa May.
Renowned fiddle player Hayes has had no time to settle into his new ambassadorial role, being assigned the difficult task of negotiating a backstop for Britain's upcoming exit from the EU, despite having no serious credentials or previous experience of world politics.
Fresh from the release of The Gloaming's third album, Hayes says he is relishing in his new role and has been brushing up on his debating skills between the band's performances.
"I knew when I was appointed in this role that I was destined to have an impact on a global scale. This is a wonderful opportunity and one that I am born for. I've been doing much research to prepare myself for the job. I've been reading two great books I think that will help, 'The Art of War', by Sun Tzu, and 'The Art of the Deal', by Donald Trump."
"I fully believe that I will be able to stand up to Theresa May and get the best deal for our country. I have spoken with many world leaders before like Barack Obama when I played in the White House and of course, Bono. I have the experience."
Government Ministers have thrown their support behind Hayes, saying his dulcet tone and turn of phrase when he speaks will surely break down May's resolve. Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has told reporters that Hayes has an ace up his sleeve if the negotiations don't go to plan
"I was told via email that Martin will bring out some dirty tricks if May doesn't back down. I have it on good authority that Dennis Cahill will be brought in to tell some terrible jokes and music puns to put the final nail in the coffin."
Hayes is also thought to be interested in obtaining a special deal for East Clare, one which will see a border erected between West Clare, preventing any West Clare musicians from attending their sessions. Martin is optimistic about the negotiations, and was set to meet up with May last night to offer tickets for The Gloaming for the entire British population.
"We had our first round of meetings last night and it has gone well so far. I brought along some tickets for The Gloaming to try and sweeten the deal, something like what I did for the Good Friday Agreement, however then it was just myself and Dennis. I think she will find me hard to resist."